By Lindy Earl
In the dating world, some people play games. Some girls want to be chased, some like to chase. I have a friend who never likes a guy who she can get too easily. The more he resists, the more she is interested. This invariably leads to horrible relationships where men realize that they can manipulate her. But, when a great guy comes along who is interested in her, she is uninterested because she didn’t have to work at it. Games.
I am sure the same is true in reverse. Men are, by nature, hunters. They can enjoy the thrill of the hunt. I know several men who are not interested in women who throw themselves at men. I don’t mean the women who flirt. Guys like that. But I know several men who, if – actually when – they receive sexual offers from women whom they don’t know well, they are completely turned off.
There is a saying that, sadly, is so true: women trade sex for love and men trade love for sex. It shouldn’t be that way.
People who know me will tell you that I am extremely naïve. I have probably missed dozens of opportunities in life, maybe hundreds, because of my innocence. I just didn’t realize what was being said or what was being offered. I had a huge crush on a guy in high school, but when he showed interest I completely missed it and he started dating a friend of mine. My loss. The same has been true in others areas of life as well. I’m just slow to take a hint.
Some people, however, cannot be convinced that there is a lack of interest. This is a true story, that happened a few years ago. My goal is to not embarrass the guy, who does not read my work, but share the story in the hope that we all learn from this experience.
So, I met this gentleman on a dating site several years ago. I was, of course, naïve, so I tended to respond to all messages received, even if to say something like, “Thank you for your interest but I do not see us as a match.”
Well, there are men, like my friend above, who choose to see this as a challenge, not the gentle refusal it is meant to be. From there some people called me racist, height-ist, and anti-Christian, all because I didn’t want to pursue a relationship with them. This gentleman, we can call him Joe, was one of those.
Joe was incredibly persistent and one day I found myself watching a football game with him at a sports restaurant. I had always wanted to watch a game at a restaurant because it always looks fun in movies, to be part of a large group rooting on the local team. My experience was not good, but yes, I had agreed to it. It was a one-and-done. Joe continued to text me for a while, but eventually, when he argued with my telling him, “Best of luck finding someone,” I just stopped responding.
So, time passed and Joe found me again. The resulting messaging conversation is no less than hilarious if you’re not the one having it. At least, that’s what a friend said when I shared the story with her.
I received a text from Joe saying that he had saved my number and commenting that I remain single (he’s followed me on social media where I have a Single Support group called Single Again), so I am “not having any luck with white guys either.” Excuse me? Why is he blaming my lack of interest in him on his race rather than on other factors? This guy happens to be ten years my junior and rather pushy. I realized a long time ago that we weren’t a fit and our one meeting confirmed it.
My response (please notice quotes): “I trust you’ve been okay. Best of luck.”
Then I received this: “I thought you were a Christian . . . I guess you think that way because you are older.”
I explained that I’m a relationship columnist and remain uninterested in him. His response was, “Let me give you what you need.”
Okay, I was laughing at this point – at him, not with him. I mean, how bold! So, I admit, I played along: “Huh. What would that be?”
“You are a beautiful and smart woman. You know what that means. Let’s not fight it any longer.” I did correct his grammatical and spelling errors, but other than that, it’s a quote. Come on. You have to laugh! “Let’s not fight it any longer”?!
I didn’t respond so received this: “It’s rare when I throw all my cards on the table but with you I have to. You are so attractive and I do want you. It could be mesmerizing for both of us.”
This is my response, which he still didn’t get: “Joe, First, in rereading our conversation, I am amused by this sentence fragment that you wrote: “not having any luck with white guys either huh?” I hope you realize that you could be stating that you aren’t having any luck with white guys and are asking if the same is true for me. This may have to end up in an article. Second, it sounds like you are offering to bed me. Am I reading that correctly? I have to wonder, does this type of conversation work with other women? “You’re beautiful . . . I do want you.” Do women swoon at the compliments and disrobe for you?”
Like I said, he didn’t get it: “Lindy, you can write anything you want in an article, you know damn well what I meant. I was saying that you are not having much luck with white guys either. I don’t do men as you know, as I was touching your leg when you were sitting beside me, so don’t get it twisted.
“You are beautiful and I do want you. I’m telling you, it will take you to a state where you have never been before, you are not getting any younger, it’s about time for you to go for it. And like I said I’m very much attracted to you. Where are you from, the 1940’s era? lol… “bed me,” “swoon,” “disrobe for you”, lol… if that means make love to you, then that is a yes.
I found it more amusing than insulting. Yes, he did touch my leg, which I didn’t appreciate at the time but space was limited at the restaurant so we were forced to sit close. And offering to take a woman to a “state where you have never been before”?! This guy’s ego is huge! Then . . . he calls me old, twice! First by saying that I’m not getting any younger (whom of us are?) then mentioning that I sound like I’m from the 1940s. Okay, I was not around for that decade.
But he still didn’t stop, despite no responses from me, and I quickly received the following:
“You won’t be disappointed.”
“Let me make it up to you.”
“Let’s play some pool and talk.”
“Let me see you.”
That seemed to end it . . . until the next day.
So I responded. “Joe, Please review our conversation. You questioned my veracity. You insulted me. You came on to me sexually. I am a lady and choose to not be treated the way you have treated me. I hope you learn, from this experience, how to treat others in the future. Best of luck.”
He didn’t take the hint.
“I just wanted you to know that I am into you. Maybe I said it wrong but I wanted you to know how I really felt and we are not getting any younger. That’s why I’m into you.”
I would like a friendship to develop out of this and see where it goes.”
“But Lindy, I apologize and I will treat you like a lady. We all make mistakes. I mean, Jesus forgave and so can you. Let me start over with you. I think you are beautiful, intriguing, and just an all around classy woman. Let me make it up to you.”
“So when would you like to go to dinner? Any place. You choose. On me.”
“Hey, Lindy, did you get my last response?”
Please know that this was a real conversation. Don’t be like Joe.
That’s life after divorce.
Lindy is a Consultant and Author. Please contact her at LMEarl@EarlMarketing.com and like her Face Book page to keep up with all her writing at https://www.facebook.com/ColumnistSpeakerConsultant/?modal=admin_todo_tour.
You can find her Single Again FB group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/singleagaindatingatlanta/