Single Again… The Rainbow

By Kenneth Stepp

Rainbows… We all find them fascinating, beautiful, and mysterious. And if we try to find the beginning or end to one, it’s impossible. We can point our car in that direction and drive until we are tired or run out of road. The beginning and end, just aren’t there. I know technically they are, but we can never find them, it is physically impossible. Scientist will tell you they exist, but going there just isn’t doable. It can’t be done. I’ve found unconditional love is something like that, I have felt this love for another, but really never had it in return. Damage causes damage, it just works that way. And the longer we search, the more damage we collect, thus the more damage we create for others. The same vicious cycle.

Comparing love to a rainbow seems perfect to me, both are beautiful, both make us feel things deep within our soul, both, at least for myself, just never seems be a tangible part of who I am. I’m not alone, I’m told that God has someone for me. In a world where a child dies of starvation every five seconds, I want Him watching over them before my love life. I have food and the basics, and they are far more innocent than I. Since deciding that love, or the kind of love that was the center of my search, may not in the cards for me, I have many reaching out in agreement, searching for love really isn’t for the faint of heart. What surprises me is that everyone wants a tender hearted person, but really have no idea what to do with one when they show up.

In this, “it’s all about me” world. We tender’s are the front line. Imagine meeting someone, feel the love, act on that love, and you marry. Remember, you have no roots with this person you haven’t had kids with them, all you have is the exchange of “I love you’s”. Now imagine five years down the road you have a stroke, have cancer, pick your disease. They struggle to be by your side. A person with a tender heart doesn’t look for an exit, they look for ways of helping you cope. Most will begin edging toward the door. You wake up one day and find yourself alone. Yet, these are the ones who find and keep love. They are not a sentry standing there, guarding your heart like a Tender. They are there for other reasons. Some reasons, even they can’t understand. They win you, then abandon you.

I know I risk sounding bitter, I’m not, I just see what I see, and at times, decide not to play in this arena for a time. I am finding more and more who arrive in the same place. I fell in love years ago and that was a problem. I found I compared what we have, to what she and I had. That isn’t fair, nor was what we had real. But it was my reality. For example, I insist on being a priority as much as making her my priority, and that seems almost impossible to find. Every girl I have met, that went beyond a first meeting, become a priority, even as a friend. Only friendships seem to have that quality these days. Still a wonderful life.

So today I still find myself driving towards my rainbow. Today I still believe it is attainable. Today can still be my day. I’ll still storm the beach at Normandy and the enemy fire will still not be too much for me. Every day, I begin again, on yet another journey. Today I am thankful for my friends. Today I am thankful for the lessons learned and the grace others have shown me. Today I am thankful God is in control and I can let go of this wheel. The wheel I was never really in control of anyway. Today I can simply enjoy sitting on my mountain and staring in awe at my rainbow, even though I haven’t seen the end of it. I know it’s there, and I understand it is mine and forever will be be there. My rainbow is in front of me, and It’s still beautiful. It still makes me happy knowing it’s there.