By Kenneth Stepp
You aren’t stable enough, you do not make enough, your career is embarrassing to me, you have no assets, you’re too short, to heavy, too left, too right, too rich, too poor, too, too, too, too… Welcome to why he or she isn’t good enough for you. Let me just say that setting standards for what you want in a mate is important. But finding someone you click with and disregarding them for a material reason, in my opinion, is foolish. Looking from my perspective, I am who I am and believe I offer more than most in caring, nurturing, intellect, and kindness. Add honesty, transparency, and faithfulness, I am what many women I meet have on their list of traits a man should have to gain their attention. So why am I still single?
Great question and I wrote it with a huge smile on my face. Why is anyone still single? Every one of us on this singles journey brings many things to the table. I once read a book by James Dobson, it was decades ago. He was writing about attraction, relationship, and how to actually endure the mechanics of a day to day relationship. And yes, I said, endure. In the book he wrote about how when we meet someone with a trait we find attractive, we fail to understand that each good trait may come with an opposite bad trait attached. For example, your a single mom and meet a man that has saved so much money that he is financially secure. That, to you, is a very attractive trait in a man to you. Saving a lot means discipline exists in him. He may be too disciplines or even stingy. A very unattractive trait. Even worse. Selfish.
“To say “I love you, but….” is to say, “I did not love you at all” ― Coco J. Ginger
I love you, but… You are too, name it, to some, you will always be too something and to you others you meet may always be too something as well. You have met someone who said this if you’ve dated much at all. If they didn’t say it, they thought it. For me, I use to have wealth and lost it. Making money was easy then and today, it’s just as easy. But I refuse to invest any more of my time that needed to make more than I do today. Why? Because I finally realized that time is the only thing of real value there is. When I see something I want for sale, let’s say it’s $500.00. The value of the dollar goes up and down with the economy. The value of my time becomes more valuable with each passing day. So it isn’t the $500.00 I will have to pay, it’s how much time did it take me to earn that money. Money has no worth, time does.
“I don’t love you, but there are things about you I’d like to use. I can show them off, spend them, use them, or take them from you. I don’t love you, but you have things useful to me”. Wow! How romantic is that? By the way, someone who thinks this way isn’t wrong, a bad person, or a user. They are actually typical if we all were totally honest. I don’t love you, but… Now there is a great way to begin a relationship. So here we are, all of us treading water in an ocean of single people, surrounded by millions, yet lonely and longing for something real. I think defining what real is to us is the most important next step. If things, stuff, and materialistic pursuits are those, go for it. No shame or judgement here. If unconditional love is your next right step, go for that too. Both have their negatives and positives. Going after things means you are going to enjoy life in ways that us hopeless romantics never will. And we will be looking through the store window watching you with envy in our eyes. But one day you will be sick or old, maybe even infirmed. And the things around your bed will mean far less than the one in your bed.
You see as an older single, my kids are grown, yours probably are too. We won’t have children together, we won’t buy our first home, take our first adult vacation, we won’t have our first Christmas celebration where we are hiding presents from the kids. All of these things are the roots of the family tree. And none of these will be a part of our relationship at all. We will have a relationship without roots and at the first sign of trouble, sickness, or financial perile, one will deal, the other will move on. It’s natural and I’ve watched it play out all to often. So how do we have those roots that cause us to stand back to back, taking what the world throws at us together? Love. Real unconditional love. I have a choice between, I love you but, or I love you always. Keep the stuff, the toys, the bank accounts. I’ll love you without them. Just love me back, and our never ending adventure begins.
“I will not tell you our love story, because-like all real love stories-it will die with us,as it should.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars