Life After Divorce . . . What is Attractive in a Partner?

By Lindy Earl

Isn’t that a question for the ages?  Why is it that some people, in friendships, relationships, even working partnerships, are simply more attractive, thus sought after?  And who decides what makes someone worth pursuing?  Well, the last answer is simple – the pursuer.

Still, I remember back in school, I had a friend who was fabulous in every way.  She was pretty, sweet, had a great body . . . everything I thought a guy should want.  For unknown reasons, guys weren’t interested.  I even asked my boyfriend once and he said there was just nothing there.  I could not figure it out.

Thirty years later I see the same things.  I have marvelous girlfriends who seem, in my opinion, to have it all.  They are attractive, intelligent, good jobs, nice homes (characteristics have changed in 30 years), but guys just do not seem interested in them.  Once again, I do not understand!

I do believe that there is someone for everyone, even while I do not believe in soul mates.  I do not believe in astrology, either, and the two seem symbiotic to me.  Yes, my friend in school found a husband, was widowed, and married again.  Obviously two men were smart enough to recognize the great qualities she has.  I am confident that current friends will find their ideal matches.  In the meantime . . .

Because of my writing and running a social media single support group, I have collected a list of attributes that are attractive, in both men and women.  If you have these characteristics, just continue to be who you are and love should find you.  If you need to adopt any of these traits, keep the list close until people start using these words to describe you . . .

  • Loyalty.  I am loyal to a fault, so if you have me, you are stuck with me for life.  The relationship may change, for instance from romantic to friendship, but unless you kick me away, I will always be there for you.
  • Love.  Nobody can resist being loved.  Go ahead and be transparent, even though it is risky.  Tell them, show them, how you feel.  Even if it’s not returned the same way, being told that someone loves you is a wonderful feeling.
  • Standards.  Women want to be treated like ladies and men enjoy being gentlemen.  I have found this to be true over and over.  Both genders respect others who have standards.  Know your limits and stick to them.
  • Self-worth, self-esteem.  Strong people, whether you call them alphas or something else, are simply sexy.  Knowing that you are good at something is not conceited, it is accurate.  Self-worth shows itself as confidence.  That’s a good attribute.  If you’re fabulous, acknowledge it in a humble way.
  • Responsibility. Knowing that you control your decisions, actions, and emotions and accepting responsibility for all of them is attractive. Passing the buck and blaming others is not.
  • Excellent communication. The importance of communication cannot be understated, but it must be used in a relationship: Tell them you like them.  Show them you need them.  Let them know you enjoy having them in your life.

At the same time, there are some behaviors that are not attractive.  If you exhibit these, please try to stop them.  Baby steps count.

  • Believing every relationship is temporary.  Your attitude will show itself and your doubt will affect any relationship.  Stop the thought – maybe your next relationship is your forever relationship.
  • Needy.  There is a saying in the Marketing world: people like to buy but do not like to be sold.  While I may be happy to help you, I do not want you to demand that I help you.  Needy people are often clingy and there is nothing attractive about that.  Asking for help on occasion is not the same thing.  Constant whining and complaining about how hard life is, that’s needy . . . and unattractive.
  • Depressed is not attractive.  I understand that depression is a legitimate disorder.  If you have this challenge then you should be under treatment.  Complaining about life and sharing every horrible thing you think has happened to you is not necessarily depression.
  • Playing with the wrong people until the right one comes along.  You’ve heard the line: When my ship came in, I was at the airport.  Yep.  If you’re just playing with people until you meet the real person you could honestly love and with whom you could have a committed relationship, then there is a good chance you are going to miss the tree for the forest.  Stop playing around.  It’s not respected by the person who you do want to attract.
  • Chasing people away.  Comments such as, “This is fun until you get tired of me,” or “I realize you’re just spending time with me until your real love comes along,” are destructive to any relationship.  If you are sincere in your interest of your Significant Other, then accept that they feel the same about you.  Do not doom a relationship out of fear or insecurity.
  • Failure to act.  I have seen too many couples never get together due to inaction.  She is interested, he doesn’t ask her out.  He is interested but she doesn’t even realize it.  Put yourself out there!  There are dozens, maybe hundreds, of great couples waiting to happen.  You could be part of one of those! 

When it comes to the physical and emotional attributes that people find attractive, they vary from person to person.  We aren’t discussing the preferences of height or hair color.  In my limited research, I have found that these are some characteristics people prefer and dislike, and share them for your consideration.  That’s all.

That’s Life After Divorce.

          Lindy is a Speaker, Columnist, Author, and Consultant.  Contact her at or find her on Face Book and join her support group: Single Again . . . From Devastation to Divorce.