By Kenneth Stepp
Having written about being single for just over 8 years I can say now that the biggest issue I had was not feeling whole anymore. I have friends who tell me so many stories. At first being single was exciting. I was hurt and maybe a little angry, but what’s next has always been an exciting thought for me. But although I met some wonderful and high quality people on my singles journey, I experienced so much pain and confusion searching for my forever love.
I believe that expectations may have been the culprit in my journey. We project who we are on others. If you are a sociopath this makes life better because everyone is a smiling congenial phoney like you are. Your expectations are to just to play the game, nothing about the way it ends makes a difference.
As I sit in my den, laptop where it belongs, my thoughts of the past 8 years rush into my mind. It was exciting as I had hoped. It was also hurtful. My relationships with people who were not only part of my life but the core of it changed. I lost people I could never imagine losing. I’ve been many things in my life.
One of these was that I was a licensed bodyguard. When protecting someone, their life has to be more valuable than your own. For some of the people I lost, I would have gladly given my life for theirs. To lose someone like that is devastating. Those who know me best know that losing someone I care about is my greatest fear. Yet it happens often in these self loving times.
Yesterday I made a new friend. I bought something precious from her. Something no woman should ever feel invaluable. But enough hurt and pain, enough confusion and the most precious of objects lose their shine over time. Her engagement ring. This ring once meant hope, life, and a future with the love of her life. Now it means nothing at all. Now, it is precious to me. It means hope, love, and something solid in my world. Now it will belong to my future, my hope, my forever love.
Temporary… That would describe what the singles community feels like to me now. You meet someone, get to know them, and in your mind they mean something to you. You think that the connection is just as meaningful to them. You see, that’s projecting your heart onto others. It almost never ends well because it’s almost never true.
Being single today has changed so much. I remember when I met my now ex wife. There was no internet, not even mobile phones. We were just two people with mutual attractions in a world with very few distractions. Instead of looking at our phones we looked into one another’s eyes. We held hands a lot. I am still a hand holder to this day. Even if we’re just friends.
I’ll try to wrap this up by making a point. Maybe even a few points. You see, I had had enough of the vicious cycle of revolving door relationships. So I changed the only thing I could… Myself. I focused on being nicer, kinder, and more caring. I focused on being a friend rather than finding or having a friend. I focused on opening my heart and giving rather than trying to see what I can get out of life. My circle of very close friends know this about me. I doubt most would see this about me but it changed my life.
Today I have people in my life I share no DNA with that I truly love. My life is more complete and my heart is whole again. In my little world there is quality. I decided to be as healthy as possible, as happy as possible, and as lovable as possible. Today I love with reckless abandon. To be whole again is intoxicating. Being whole is on the other side of change…
