By Kenneth Stepp
Have you ever been there? I have. I have too many times. When promises are broken, lies are revealed, they aren’t who the projected themselves to be, etc, etc, etc. The reasons are more plentiful than they should be. Failure seems to always be waiting around every corner. One minute we feel love growing, building, becoming what we always dreamed it would be. Then nothing… Just nothing.
In the singles community there are highs and lows. I suppose that exists everywhere and in all things. But for those of us who know we were created to be a partner not having one can give us a feeling of desperation. A feeling of being incomplete and maybe a bit confused. When we try to discuss these feelings online we see the comments telling us how happy others are by themselves. This might as well be written in another language. We cannot comprehend it.
I cried today… I cried when I heard a certain song, I cried when I faced some giants that are staring down at me right now, I cried when I thought about some of those in my past, I cried when I thought about my future. The tears for what is to come were tears of joy for the most part. Many would say I am over emotional, some may say I overthink. I am an empath and certainly can own these things. The real reason is none of the above. You see: I’m tired. So very tired.
I have been swimming in this sea of aloneness for almost 8 ½ years. I have loved alone, had a deep connection with some who simply vanish without notice, and I have had to step away from it all several times. Add to that that I know what love is and what it isn’t. If I ever told you that I love you, I still do. Love is a life sentence. Real love follows us to the grave. You can run from it but you cannot hide from it. It takes a part of your heart that is never coming back.
When is crying weeping? Is there a difference? Is sobbing worse? So many silly questions. Maybe we are simply in our own head too much. Good things are coming. In my life I know this. Business, relationship, and learning to do life in a new town. I never meet a stranger. The lady who manages the restaurant I am writing this piece at is named, Keeke. I know this because I asked. She refuses to charge me. I just leave a big tip and include enough to cover my tea. That’s all I ever order.
I have met so many amazing people in the last 8 ½ years. Some may even feel the way I do about this singles journey. I have watched some in pure elation and then watched them get crushed. I too have been to that mountain top. I remember the feeling of knowing I had made it, I found my forever. The ride back down that mountain is always a painful one. And down I did come.
Have you ever been told you were loved then they ignore you at the same time? Yes it’s hurtful. But more than anything it is confusing. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been blocked and unblocked by the same people and I’ve blocked and unblocked them too. There are no rules and everyone seems to be a gunslinger, meaning they shoot from the hip. Probably not the proper way to build community much less love. Clarity is a rare commodity with us singles. In a world where people are seen as options more than precious, we lose part of our humanness along the way.
Have I been ranting or just telling some sad stories? My heart is heavy at a time when it should be light. Maybe being single and in a relationship should feel the same. Maybe what’s next will be the same as what’s past. Maybe we live on a hamster wheel and the view stays the same. Whatever this ride has been I am ready to get off and feel solid ground under my feet again. Maybe I’m standing in the right place after all.
I’d love to end this with some solid and useful advice. So here it is. Never follow advice you got from me. That may be the best advice I have ever handed out. To all my friends reading this, peace….