Single Again… The Past Conundrum

By Kenneth Stepp

Catchy title. I think I’m spot on though. Our pasts will be a part of our present as long as we do not close every door. By closing the doors of our past I mean wheld them shut and drop them into the deepest part of the ocean. As long as we hold onto the great memories we are in danger of looking into our past for our future. These are in our past for a reason. When this happens to me, I’m reminded why it didn’t work in the end.

I sometimes imagine the past as a huge room. Everyone who meant a lot to me seems to come out the room door and it’s always at a time when it hurts the most. Or seems that way. The head on my shoulders is logical and only wants what’s best for me. My romantic heart is another story. It remembers only the good and the deep. This is in fact, a conundrum. 

My logical brain: Remember why you broke up

My romantic heart: She still loves you

My logical brain: You’ve had the same number for years

My romantic heart: She didn’t delete it

My logical brain: She didn’t call, message, or text you

My romantic heart: She still loves me though

My logical brain: You’re an idiot

As you can see, I’m conflicted more often than not. Keep in mind, I’m only speaking of two sides of me. There are more. The sensual, emotional, and the adventurous are always in the background lobbying my heart and brain to do something for them. Wow, there are too many me’s in there. I do wish they would agree about something. Right here would be a great place for a smiley face.

As I do a deep dive into all of these confusing thoughts I am reminded that I’m human. I can only imagine that most people deal with these thoughts or thoughts that are similar. We all have a past. We lived in. And every person who impacted our life, good or bad, helped create the beautiful mess we are today. And I don’t know about you, but I have a hint of awesome in me. I suppose I should make a list and send them thank you notes. 

You see, we have all given our hearts away. Some of us gave all we had, some gave pieces. I’m guilty of both. I write about my pieces being scattered all the time. Because my heart still resides in places I’m not. Access is granted when the past comes calling again. Trying to correct this part of my life has been fruitless. I don’t believe it’s a flaw. I see this “thing” as something beautiful. But it can hinder our future as well.

Being single at a time in life that seems and feels unnatural has been confusing, hurtful, and at times, cumbersome. And the one thing I am sure of is that I’m not alone in this. Try to imagine two people meet, both their with past. Both bringing their pieces to offer. Now imagine between the two of them that they have enough pieces, they fit like a puzzle. Her yin to his yang. He’s strong where she’s weak, she’s strong where he’s weak. Together they will have the perfect wholeness and the past will simply be where it belongs forever. 

Imagine that….