Single Again… The Edge

By Kenneth Stepp

Edge: The outside limit of an object, area, or surface; a place or part farthest away from the center of something.

I began with the definition to the word, edge because I want to bring home this one fact, we are all on the edge of something. If you are single then edges are commonplace for you. There are many edges these days. Especially for singles who once lived a life so different than the one they find themselves in today.

Edges are more complex than many of us think. Let’s say we are walking across a very wide bridge, 50 feet high, the bridge has 3 foot walls so walk with confidence and even go to the edge to enjoy the view of the river below. Now take away those walls. We walk carefully in the center and can’t enjoy the beautiful river for fear of falling off. When I became single again, those walls disappeared.

This is Thanksgiving week and the holidays are directly in our path. To some of us it is a time of celebration, to the rest of us, it’s a time of year we dread. Memories of happier times, those thoughts about the purposeful person you once were, your kids, spouse, and what seemed like the world, guided your daily choices. Now, no one knows when or if you woke up this morning.

I bring up the holidays because they bring many of us to one very dark edge, depression. This season of joy and merriment can be rough on those who remember what joy and merriment were but no longer have it. This changes us in ways I still struggle to explain. One day we are a family hanging our favorite ornaments on our tree, the next we are sitting home alone, scared to turn the television on for fear of seeing those commercials or movies that haunt us.

For 24 years the movie, White Christmas was our show to watch this time of year. This will be the 6th year in a row I missed it. Life changes, I get it. We roll with the punches, but they still hurt and they still take energy out of us. Most of us develop new ways of handling the holidays. I’m a new cook and decided I would make Thanksgiving dinner, even if it’s for just my roommate and myself.

I’m highlighting the depression edge now because we are 2 days from Thanksgiving. This will be my 6th holiday season since becoming single again. I thought I’d die during the first one, now I know I’ll survive but with just a little more damage, and maybe dwelling on a few regrets. That’s the reality in the singledom today. We all  miss something, someone, or both.

I smile a lot. I’m actually a pretty happy and emotionally balanced person most of the time. I understand what was and what is and live with the acceptance of both. But after 24 years of the holidays being that amazing time of the year, some things are missed more than others. I have discovered one huge thing though. I miss having the purpose I had back then. Adjusting isn’t easy but we all do. If you have a friend who is struggling with  a lack of purpose, stay close. 

Edges come in many forms. The edge of depression is simply one of them. The edge of financial ruin, the edge of giving up completely, the edge of a loneliness so deep and so dark that we sometimes fill it with things we know we should not. Too many edges to talk about here.

Look around at your friends. Every single one of them are standing on a cliff. That cliff has a very sharp edge on it. Their edge may be different from the one you face but it’s just as real and just as hurt filled as any of them. My dad lived this out for me, “if you want a friend, be a friend”. What a simple thought. Be kind, genuinely care, and be there for them.

At the end of the day, if you are single, you are my brother or sister. We are all on the same journey. Some love being single, some want to find forever love. Whatever your goal, I support you in that. Let’s remember that we are all floating in the same sea of singles holding onto the same life raft. We use to be all together in life, now we are all together alone. Be nice…