Single Again… Alone-ish

By Kenneth Stepp

I’m having one of those evenings where my thoughts run deeper than usual. I’m a guy, so shallow does occur, just not tonight. My mind is deep diving into an old subject that rears its ugly head in my brain from time to time. I call it, aloneness.

Aloneness is a word I may have made up. It simply means, the actual state of being alone. Of course I couldn’t just tell myself, that’s all there is on that thought, I had to take it further. What defines being alone and are there levels of aloneness?

First, I am alone tonight. I love my quiet home at the end of the day, just me, no tv, nothing but the air conditioning humming along. This is the kind of being alone that feeds my soul. These are the moments that encite me to write something. Tonight, it’s aloneness.

There are people out there who are married. To us singles, they have reached their goal. To many of them though, there are too many moments of aloneness. They rushed into a marriage because, “they were ready”. Afterwards, they found they were not. Then what?

Once you begin doing life, living on 2 incomes, and combining stuff. Correcting it is not easy. Most adjust their lives to fit both incomes. Life is easier when 2 are pulling the cart financially. But when aloneness sits in, many feel trapped.

Then there are those who feel ready for a long term relationship, a commitment, monogamy and everything that goes with it. Perhaps they feel ready to be forever with someone. A few false starts and near misses happen, and BOOM! You’re ready and alone. What inevitably happens next is the next person you see that pays you any attention becomes the one.

The aforementioned relationship will wear a person down like a wet stone against a knife blade. Eventually, there is less of you and too much relationship. It will, like so many things that aren’t meant to be, crash and burn. I’ve been there, it’s difficult to bring that in for a soft landing.

My point tonight, is that, being alone is important. Being a serial dater just because you get lonely will assure you of never having a real two way relationship. You have to invest time in only you two to ever have something deep enough to be soul satisfying. Time creates that safe place couples need. Quality time is where love is built.

So my title is “alone ish”. Simply put, some people are alone in a crowded room, some are alone in a bed for two, and there are those who are alone, no matter who they are with. Aloneness is a state of being. Who surrounds you has nothing and everything to do with it. By the end of my marriage, I was alone in the same room with her. Aloneness defined.

It was the first time I felt alone even though I was married and we were doing life together. It was an awful state to be in. It also would not be the last time I felt that way. Since I have interviewed hundreds of singles over the years, I know others experience this. You look at the person you’re with and know, this isn’t going to end well. But it will end.

Love, or what I’ve come to know as, unconditional love, is elusive and most will never experienced it.  I have and lost it. That may be the saddest statement I’ll ever make. But we keep looking, don’t we? I’m a romantic, so I know real love awaits somewhere. Maybe in my past or my future. I’m here, waiting to fall, waiting to be accepted, waiting to be loved. Come find me…