By Lindy Earl
Since the earliest times that we can remember, we have been taught things: Don’t speak with your mouth full. Don’t ask so many questions. The cat does not like being put in the dryer. There is so much to know in this life!
With age and experience, I have learned that some of what I was taught was . . . inaccurate. Sometimes it was just old advice. Girls ARE allowed to call boys, especially if they are just friends. Sometimes it was shared because it was believed, but still wrong. All kinds of mutually exclusive beliefs about religion and heaven come to mind. Sometimes it was correct for one person but not necessarily for everyone, and I think that’s the direction I need to go.
For instance, I was taught to not give too much. I was told that people don’t appreciate what they receive if they don’t work for it (some truth there), so it was better to never volunteer. In fact, I learned that when I give for the right reasons, I am fine. But when I give to please others or out of obligation then it can breed anger and resentment within me. So I learned how and when to give.
I was taught, post-divorce, to not talk about my ex. What I learned, after more than two years of dating (after three years of not dating), is that sharing bits of stories where my ex may have been involved helps explain where I am today and why I feel the way I do. I believe it is simply harder to trust after a divorce, and not talking about the one who helped cause the lack of trust does not solve anything.
This is not carte blanche permission to share every negative detail about your ex with every person you meet. It is a suggestion that sometimes it is helpful to explain why you feel the way you do. Without getting into psychobabble, a person who is told, through words or mistreatment, that they are unworthy, those feelings are often internalized into beliefs – inaccurate though they may be. Understanding how the belief came to be helps unwind the inaccuracy about a lack of self-worth.
I was taught that I have two ears and one mouth so I can listen twice as much as I speak. Sadly, I learned this later in life and by that time and strewn many unnecessary words down my path. But I learned that if I do offer an ear, some people will take advantage of it as well as take advantage of my time and good nature. So I have learned to focus on the talking less, and listening in general, but not necessarily opening myself up to every horror story. I acknowledge that I must have a sign on my back that states that I am a good listener, but I am learning.
I was taught that you can never love too much. Then I learned, the hard way, that this saying is untrue. You can love too much, as well as love the wrong person. When you put those two together you can receive catastrophic results. Loving too quickly, loving too much, and loving the wrong person can lead to incredible pain. I also learned that I would rather love too much than withhold my heart. I have learned that love is worth the risk of pain.
So we take what we have been taught, and we decipher what we have learned. When we apply what we have learned to our current situation, we have useful insight gleaned from a life of lessons.
That’s Life After Divorce.
Lindy is a Speaker, Columnist, Author, and Consultant. Contact her at LMEarl@EarlMarketing.com or find her on Face Book.
