Single Again… Secrets Kill

By Kenneth Stepp

I have secrets… So do you. We all do. If you are one of those people who say, “I don’t have anything to hide”. Then give your friends and family the password to your phone, and hand it to them. Now you understand, or I hope you do. You see, our phone usually has all of our social media in it and the passwords to those apps are built into them. We all have things, conversations, and deeds that we want to keep to ourselves. 

I think I unwrapped the fact that we all have secrets that we want to keep private. Now I’d like to explain why I want that one person I can share my private self with without fear of judgement or anything else. I have to admit, that sounds scary just writing those words. 

But as a single person on the journey to find forever love, that love has so much freedom attached to it. The freedom to be me and the freedom to have had a past I won’t be judged for. Being loved so unconditionally that I am free enough to have no secrets from her. And loving her so unconditionally that I trust her with ALL of my secrets.

I hope you are understanding the hugeness of this concept. I’m working on that kind of relationship right now. One of total freedom because of unconditional love. I once wrote a piece called, The Freedom of Love. In it I described the relationship I was in. It was years ago. Real love was there. I gave her the password to my phone one day. I will never forget what I said when I did that. I said, “judge me from today forward is all I ask”. 

As frightening as that may sound. I felt only relief. I wasn’t expecting that at all. I realized that I trusted another human being as much as I trusted myself. WOW! This deep trust is a byproduct of unconditional love. The trust factor is baked into that cake. That my friends is what real love looks like. This kind of trust doesn’t arrive the day you exchange I love you’s. It comes over time. The trust factor is built just as love is built, if it’s real.

So, what is so important about not having secrets in a relationship? Because secrets kill. They kill trust, they kill intimacy, they kill freedom within the confines of the relationship, and finally, in the end, they kill the relationship itself. This isn’t guess work. I’ve watched this play out in other people’s lives often. When trust is lost, so is the heart. 

I never saw this concept coming at all. I have a best friend. Years ago we decided to be more than best friends. We both knew or should have known we were not a match. I believe that totally. But the draw was huge, one day, we did it. We were in an instant relationship and it was amazing. 

One day she needed to look something up, her phone wasn’t around so I handed her mine. And I gave her my password. I believe the trust was there because of the deep friendship. That was years ago and we are still best friends today. 

I remember giving her my password without giving it a thought. I was safe with her. I was free with her. She was with me as well. I’m building that again with someone I believe will always be there. I wanted to write about it because I believe most people have never experienced this kind of joy. 

Look for depth, look for integrity, look for the match you desire. I grew tired of just dating. I think many do. Dating for me felt more like time filling. In my heart of hearts, I was searching for the girl I could have that freedom with again. Secrets and unconditional love are never on the same dance floor. Choose the love.