By Kenneth Stepp
It’s been a month since I wrote, other changes have happened as well. Yesterday I had been in my own head so much that I ran away. Well, I left town without planning to. That sounds more adult at least. Today, after actually sleeping last night, I realised that my heart has been scattered in so many directions. A finer point would be to say, I’ve left pieces of me with people and I can’t figure out how to retrieve them.
Over the last few days, while dwelling on this issue, I can see now that I’m not alone in this self punishment. Most of my friends who are completely honest with me say they deal with the same thing constantly. Yesterday I glanced at my clock at exactly noon and it hit me. Someone used to call me at exactly noon on Friday as they were finished with their work day.
Being single has changed. Dating, relationships, and yes, even friendships have changed. Is it the internet, our age, our past, our hurts, fears, and passions? Maybe it’s none of these and perhaps it’s all of these. What I do know is that relationships are different these days. They are more complex. They can also be deeper and more shallow at the same time. Cutting ties is easier for people nowadays. I need to learn that one.
I had a great friend named, David. For 17 years we spoke at least once a day. We did millions of dollars worth of business each year too. But above business, we were real friends. One day he decided to park his Harley and drive his son in law’s rice rocket for the day. A friend called to say he was in an accident and told me which hospital they had life flighted him to. His wife ran up and hugged me sobbing. He was gone. I could never call him again.
Why did I mention my friend? Because people sever ties with the same impact as his accident did. One day you mean something to someone. One day you have a relationship with a person. The next day they vanished. They haven’t died, but you have to them. This may sound dramatic but I’ve lost people and they were just as lost to me. Their pieces and my pieces of our hearts mingled, then they were gone.
I’ve given my heart to a few girls on my singles journey. Taking what I gave back isn’t as simple as a transaction at the bank. You never quite get it all back. Pesky feelings that won’t die, memories that pop up at noon one day, or seeing something you used to enjoy with someone that was once special to you. They are nothing short of hauntings. Experiences that belonged to one person alone.
Today, my head is full. So many moving parts to understand, too many to manage at the moment. Life does go on but not all of “us” will. Pieces remain. They are wrapped up inside us in memories, smells, sounds, and even dreams. No idea what to do with them. I wake up and deal with them day by day. I hope they subside long enough to enjoy more of life. Time is the ultimate healer, I believe that. So, time is moving in my life. Time is turning memories into sweet moments that one day I’ll control again.
My title is, Life Goes On. It really does. There will be more friends, more people who mean so much to us come along. The hope is that they all stay. My dream is that one will stay forever.