By Kenneth Stepp
Today I caught myself doing something strange. Yet I have been doing it for years. I’ll leave it to the medical community to decide if I’m insane or just weird. I have heard everyone processes things in their own way. Me, I talk to people. I know right? But I talk to them when they aren’t there. An example. I meet someone and have several conversations. We or at least I, sense a connection. While I’m driving I have conversations with this person. Does it prepare me for real conversations with her? Honestly, I have no idea. I have a friend who happens to be a psychiatrist. I explained it to him. He believes my mental capacity is very high and I am “molding” a potential relationship. Although it sounds flattering to be told I have this superpower. I still wonder about my sanity. Oh well. Maybe it’s just a way to process my thoughts on friendships I consider to be pre-deep. A potential great relationship perceived.Still, it keeps me wondering.
Another “thing” I do is wonder. If I meet someone and we have an instant connection on any level. I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with her. I always think long term. Probably because that’s the goal. It just hasn’t worked out yet. I wonder what watching a movie on the couch together would be like, intimate conversations while lying in bed holding her would be like. Yea, I wonder about all of it. I meet new people all the time. When I meet a girl, it could be for just a few minutes. I know eventually I will daydream about her and try to figure out if something could be there. It seldom is, but the thoughts are nice. Keeps me hopeful. I met a girl recently. She was smart, interesting, and seemed quite sane. I actually sensed a connection. But, like it is most times, nothing. Is wondering a defense we have to battle loneliness? I think it could be. Loneliness can smother us at times. I guess maybe I process the way I do because I need hope. I find I have had many “almost” relationships. You know, we talk a lot, but the relationship stays in a holding pattern for whatever reason. This keeps me confused for the most part. I bet I’m not alone…
Being single at an age when most aren’t has been trying most days. I remain unsure of all the things I was sure of back when I was single decades ago. Somedays I feel we have all lost our minds. Well, that would explain me having conversations with people who aren’t there wouldn’t it? Enough about my craziness. It’s more fun to talk about us singles as a whole. I would’ve thought as difficult as it is being single we would all kind of stick together. Not so. From my lofty perch way up here in “too afraid to jump in” land, I see so many hurting people, mostly girls from my view. But that’s only because I mostly communicate with girls maybe. But I know the guys have the same problem. I know that I have the same problem. Dating can be very hurtful when it ends. Especially if you aren’t sure why it ended. And, at least with me, I never really know. And even when it was a short relationship, it still hurts. More damage received means more damage spread around. It’s a vicious circle. It feels, to me, to be never ending. So far, it has been.
I belong to a wonderful singles support group on Facebook. There is a core of great folks there who keep up with one another pretty well. I’ve grown to care about several of them a lot. Perhaps this is the way to build relationships. Being in the group is like a grassroots effort to help one another, encourage one another, and do some fun things together without pressure. For whatever reason, it just works. Lift one another up guys. Stay close and run in packs…..
“The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely.”
― Charlotte Brontë