By Kenneth Stepp
I think of you every day, I care about you so much about you, I smile when I see your number on my phone, your heart lives inside mine, I have missed you, I love you…. These are words unspoken. The reason I know is because I’ve held them inside myself. Why would myself or anyone else do that? For me, it’s past pain. I just don’t want to experience that pain again. For you, it could be something else. Perhaps a great loss, financially, emotionally, or something else altogether.
Being single at a time I never expected to be has brought huge changes to my world. One of the biggest has been my search for forever love. This search has taught me so many things about the human condition of my fellow searchers. Everyone is hurt or has been, we’re all a little confused, many of us are guarded and cautious. The last leads to my point today. We guard our speech. We have a shield in front of our heat and to speak certain words removes this shield. We retreat into the safety behind the shield.
We all have walls, shields, armor, and distractions. These are all designed to keep us safe. These do in fact, keep us safe. They also keep us alone. The thing about searching for forever love is that we must become vulnerable to everyone we feel chemistry with and wait. We must expose our hearts and pray they do not break it. But every time our heart gets broken, the better it feels behind those walls. I’m safe there but in an unnatural position. Have you been there?
I write all the time about her. I’m convinced that on some level, we know one another. Maybe it’s a past flame or someone in my online world. Perhaps she is getting to know my heart by reading my words. This may be the only way to view my heart as I am safe where I am. My little island I am on where there is no danger of two things happening. The first, I will not get hurt again here. The second, I will not find her here either. She may even be on her own island staring up at the walls she has too. This journey is tricky.
There are days, like the one I’m enjoying at the moment, where I think of her. I guess that’s what inspired me to write. I wonder if she ever thinks of me? I believe we are both in hiding. Perhaps hiding behind being busy. That does happen. Then there are things in the near future that are going to happen. Perhaps once that happens, I’ll put my heart back out there. I’ve been there and have seen others there. When this was where I was, I hid behind excuses. If I tell her how I feel and she doesn’t respond in kind, what next? Sometimes that question is bigger than my boldness.
It’s funny how times change. Or they do for me. I used to be so bold with matters of the heart. I suppose getting hurt, having those who held my heart vanish, and having one marry another has made my dock my boat on my island for a while. At this point I’m not even sure how long I’ve been here. What I do know is that words that I fear saying will keep me here. My island is safe as long as I hold my words back. Once my words are said, I’m surrendered awaiting her judgement.
When I was a child the saying, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. The person that coined that phrase never had someone they loved with all their heart tell them that they don’t love you anymore. My words remain with me…
#wordsleftunspoken
