By Kenneth Stepp
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” ― Mahatma Gandhi
At this point all I can say is that Mr Gandhi was a very wise man. That was wrong when he said this. The only way to date at this age and not be hurt is to have walls so high that no one will ever get through them. I hope I never have walls like that, but, I also hope I will never be hurt again. Dilemmas abound while on this journey. Figuring out what to do when faced with one is perplexing at best. Do I choose door “A” or door “B”? Looks like hurt comes either way.
I had a mentor many years ago. He told me that when faced with two or more bad choices, do nothing. Not very many bad things can happen when we choose to do nothing. To choose, none of the above. At least for now. Wait until there is another more appealing choice. My beloved mentor was of course, correct again, one of many times, I will add. To this end, I find myself in the do nothing place. Waiting for that third more appetizing choice. One that comes with hope instead of hurt, one I can enjoy instead of endure.
“Did I really want to stay on this road longer, knowing it was only going to end in devastation?”
― Becca Fitzpatrick
The answer to Becca’s question for me is simply “no”. To get off the road of endless dating and rest until things are sane again. Until that third choice comes into view. Then and only then will we have a chance of finding the love we have always believed waited for us. Then and only then will our hearts be in a place to recognize it, to be ready to be given away without damage from previous tries injuring any chance we have to succeed in this relationship.
One very huge obstacle is when we rush past all the warning signs and jump in again. Then one or both of us quickly makes our new love pay for things our past love did to us. When I hear a similar line from a potential that sounds like one who hurt me before, I shut down. Now I am poised enough not to show it at the moment. But it’s over, she just doesn’t know it yet. That is that sky high wall kicking in. door “A”. Unfair to her, unfair to me, and a relationship killer. See why the do nothing concept is better. Now a potential love of my life is left behind. I honestly don’t know how many of them we all have. I have to think it isn’t very many. Time to stop the roller coaster and get myself ready first. You should think about it too.
“Why is there ever this perverse cruelty in humankind, that makes us hurt most those we love best?”
― Jacqueline Carey
There is wisdom in that quote. But mostly there is truth in it. We all know it. We hurt the ones that love us the most. And they hurt us in the same way. Waiting until our hearts are right to give and receive love, is not only the only wise decision we can make, it is the most pure and the least damaging. This is a rough journey, this dating after divorce. Or maybe it should be called “Dating After Damage”. Good luck on your search for true love, I hope my journey helps in some way…
