Single Again…  What a Man Wants

By Kenneth Stepp

Ladies. Have you ever wondered, what is he looking for? So slip on your secret decoder ring, and perhaps you will be able to understand, at least a fraction of the manmind. I will be trying to shed light on this as best I can. First, I will not be talking about the “men” that want a woman to take care of him, I won’t be talking about the men that want to control and abuse women, these do not fit my definition of a real man. I will be talking about normal, average, middle of the road men. Some do’s and don’ts.

I have many single friends, guys and gals. More and more these days they are looking for similar attributes in a mate, but, they are wired a little differently. So, I’ll hit some highlights on what the men I have spoken with and myself are looking for and not looking for in a mate. There are more of the latter than the former.

Remember, I am speaking of men who are seeking a mate, not men who are seeking “TO” mate. Big difference. Men want sanity, then they want certain traits. Myself, the list is short. Strong, smart, independent, non judgmental, adventurous, and open minded. Not all men desire these, so know that these change with the man. I tend to be more cerebral but very physical at the same time. Most men are not both. Their list may include petit, large, tall, short, etc. I certainly see those things. But, they matter less to me than most. I’m a substance guy, some are not, and both are ok.

Men looking for a life mate tend to be adverse to drama, clinginess, desperate, jealousy, anger, and controllers. Many of us were married to manipulators. These tactics may have worked the first go round, now they are repulsive. I know in my case. If/when someone tries to use guilt on me, I can promise, they will only have a fond memory of me coming around. I would be a blocking and deleting machine. If this is your nature, the only men you can control for a while with these tactics, aren’t worth having. Welcome to the dating for life club.

Too fast: If you seek a strong man with principles and a logical side, moving too fast will have them looking for an exit quick. Changing your Facebook status after the first or second date is a huge red flag. If you are looking for a man that will go from relationship to relationship, change status immediately, rush in as fast as you can, repeat your love vows on the first date, and set a date for a wedding on the second date. Of course by the time that third date rolls around. He’s on to the next love of his life. Like in slow dancing, let him lead. If he is the kind of man that will stay for life. This is the way to show him you respect his judgment, or at least that you respect him in general.

Gossip: Questions, accusations, and Google: For me, and I’m certain, to any man worth having, this may be the single most ugly thing a girl can do. If you Google me, I have about 27,000 hits, I live a very public life, and, I don’t hide from who I am. Of those 27,000 hits, one might  be a bad one. So if you judge a person because of what others say, you might miss something great, and the exit sign will probably be calling his name. Good men do not like their integrity called into question on a rumor.

I suppose what I am saying is that the drama factor, mutual respect, and the ability to withhold opinions until we get to know one another is key. Projecting what another man did to you onto us is a deal killer too. You see, we’ve already paid for our own mistakes, it’s why we are single today. We feel it is unfair to require us to pay for another mans mistakes, we’ve made plenty on our own.

This may be hard to absorb for some, it might even seem arrogant or silly to others. But if you ever wanted to get into the head of a man looking for forever, here’s your chance. I have interviewed about 45 like minded men and over 200 women. I chose them because I knew them on some level. This isn’t saying you should change in any way. But, if you have ever wondered why you keep attracting the same type of men, this might explain that. Self discovery is brutal, but needed if we are to become something greater than we are.   

“I will find you.
In the farthest corner, I will find you.” 
― Mary E. Pearson