Single Again… Loving Alone

By Kenneth Stepp


It’s the holidays… If you have ever loved someone who did not love you back, you are probably alone right now. You may be surrounded by family, you may even be with someone romantically, but not in love. Either way, you are alone, or something deep inside makes you feel that way. While you may feel alone, you are not alone in that feeling, many of us share this experience. It’s a cold, dead, weird feeling, that doesn’t seem real, it’s just there.


The Void:


There is an emptiness in this, a hole in our lives, a void that only love can fill. We all search for that special someone to fill it. Like a hole in a wall in our home, we buy Spackle to smooth it over, but it never seems right again. We can patch it, or fill it, paint over it, act as if it isn’t there, but, deep down, every time we see that wall, we know it’s not right. Is that the way our lives are, is this the way life goes? We’re a 1000 piece puzzle with 999 pieces. When something is important, nothing seems quite right anymore.


It’s morning at my house, Christmas Eve. My house is so quiet, the tree is lit, presents are beneath it, and I’m having my coffee. I love my roommate, she is my best friend, but my mind irrationally drifts back to Christmases past. Kids giggling, my wife and I taking pictures and hearing the hustle and bustle of what can only be described as glee. The holidays were about family. Today, the holidays is about enduring the holidays, trying to make the tolerable, and hoping they pass without too many memories of times that will never be again.


I seldom write is such cathartic terms. The holidays bring out so many things in me. I remember them being so happy, so exciting, and so full of wonderful expectations. Now, I just want to get them behind me. I have friends with grand kids, family, and great friends. Yet they go through the very same thing. The love of my life was suppose to be beside me during such times. Instead, I sit in my den and write about things as they were meant to be, not as they are. Reality really is a cruel witch. I’ve heard that phrase often, the holidays makes me a believer.


The Failures:


Like most singles, I have tried and failed a couple of times to fill that damaged wall. I’ve met some amazing women along the way, many will be my friends for the rest of my life. Of course there are others who choose a different path and I wish them well. I’ll never understand why staying friends doesn’t work just because romance didn’t work, but we all make choices. Some better than others. Emotions, to me, have weight. I can actually feel them on me. I’m surprised at the volume of them I feel during the holidays. I rethink so many things this time of year.


So, what can be done about the holiday blues? In the back of my mind, love repairs them. Love makes that wall new again, love makes me forget there was ever a hole in it at all. As the new year approaches, I am determined to find love, grow love, and love someone enough that they might love me back. It’s a great goal. It’s the one I set for myself every year. I will say that each year, or every holiday season, this hits me, and every holiday season, I am better than the year before. Maybe life, time, and friends heal, or fills the hole in the wall in some way until love arrives.


I guess I’ll wrap this up by saying, love is the answer. I’m working towards that end. I believe most of us are. As I watch life go by, I see relationships beginning and ending simultaneously. I watch as my friends are in and out of relationships. I suppose they watch me as well, although I have actually only been in a few. I think God created us to be a part of a whole, someone’s other half. Or, at least most of us. That’s where real love comes in. If I love you, you are the center of my world, doing life with you will be natural to me. The holidays in love, that sounds amazing, doesn’t it? Showing someone you love how much you love them makes any day amazing…


“Any day that is designated to shower the person you love with love is my favorite holiday”- Kevin Nealon