I wrote this in July 2018. I met her May 16th 2020. She died September 13th 2021. She did come and find me. I was right about her…
By Kenneth Stepp
Desperately. What a word, what does it make you think? To most it will seem negative or weak, it means feverishly trying to make something happen that will really never happen. Think, pathetic. To others it will seem generic, like, “I desperately need a car, or lunch, or some other inanimate object.” Then there are those of us who are hopeless romantics. Desperately is how we search for love. Why? Because it means everything to us. For us, we have a picture or maybe even a video that is always floating around in our brain of what life should look like. We don’t post memes and quotes online about how independent we are or how great our lives are alone. We know something is missing because what we see in our minds is not what is manifesting in our daily lives. There is a void….
Yesterday I was speaking with a new friend by phone. We were talking about our journey of being single. I am divorced, she lost the love of her life to a disease. To both of us, we sense the loss, to both of us, we have lonely moments, but for the most part, we both know something isn’t what we want it to be. We are both happy, positive, and fun loving people. We both smile a lot, enough that we probably make others wonder if we are on drugs or something. Perhaps we even smile so often that others want whatever drugs they believe us to be taking. Neither one of us are druggies at all. Just happy people that can admit that we are missing that special someone in our lives. To some, that’s needy, to others, it’s bold. To me, it’s just being honest with myself.
As we spoke I began to describe my life and how I have prepared myself for someone I may never meet. I created a business I can run from my laptop so that I can move to wherever she is. I’ve met so many girls online that live a good distance from me and I do not want to overlook my soulmate because of distance. Distance is just math and math problems always have an answer to them. Then I mentioned my finances. I shrank my life because most of the girls I’ve met already have a life, most got the house in the divorce or if widowed, still own the house they had. So I have acquired nothing. I make a decent living and have no debt, so if I find her I only bring less than $100.00 per month in bills to the table. Finances are very important.
After telling her the depths that I had gone to in order to prepare myself to be the man my girl will need or want, I realized that she must think I’m crazy. No one acts this way these days. Live your life, do for you, be who you are for yourself, acquire things, make a life for yourself, think, me first. Yep, maybe I am a little off, but when or if I should meet her and she takes the time to look past the things that society might think are a little weird, she will see a man who has already committed his life to her. She will see a man that will make her the center of his life, the core of his being. While others think, wow, he’s different, she will think, WOW! He really is different. The girl I have been looking for will understand why I did what I did. And she will love it.
In a world where people vanish on people, abuse people, and use people. I want her to see me as desperate. Or desperately seeking her. I want her to know how important she was to me before I even knew her name. To be accepted for who and what she is, to never wonder where my heart is, and to always know who she is to me. To me, desperately is a word that describes me well. My goal will be to make sure she knows every morning how desperately I love her, how deeply she is loved, and how much my bruised and bloody heart needs her to guard it. So in this sea of singles swims a girl who will understand what I mean when I tell her, I search for you desperately…
“Come find me”
