By Lindy Earl
I understand that, post-divorce, the last thing on your mind may be a new relationship. Depending on how long, and how turbulent, your relationship was, you may be thinking anything from, “Maybe someday but no time soon,” to “Never Again!”
Having been on that exact roller coaster, I empathize with you, wherever you are. When I was first divorced I wanted nothing do so with anything male. Even collecting mail was difficult so I used the old fashioned term, post. Okay, I’m kidding, but I did make jokes that, if I got a dog, it would have to be a female because I did not want any more males in my house other than the sons I had at home. I was happy to let my children stay, but that was it!
Slowly, a new reality developed. I returned to the person I had been 30 years before – capable, confident, interesting, even funny. Sad how some of those characteristics had been eclipsed over the years.
As they returned, and I became tired of popcorn for supper on a Friday night (one of my favorite weekend meals, by the way), I realized that some social interaction is good. Of course, at the time it meant same-gender interaction. So I gathered girlfriends, old and new, and we enjoyed our time together.
It was one of the girlfriends who pushed me into the dating pool. I did not think I was ready but I tend to be obedient and it had been three years, so . . .
After a few months of dating, I created a list in my mind of why nobody should ever date. There were scammers, users, pretenders. People who seemed perfectly nice by phone or text but showed up looking nothing like their pictures. Guys who seemed thoughtful and kind but became incredibly pushy in real life. Egomaniacs who couldn’t carry on a conversation, just rant endlessly about how fabulous they are. Some were deceptive enough to do that through humble bragging, which is complaining about how wonderful they are.
Perseverance? Tenacity? I am not sure what kept me in the game. I actually did not stay in the game all the time. I dropped out a few times. For a while it was because I found someone to date . . . who would eventually break my heart. For I while I dropped out because I just couldn’t take the rejection and rudeness anymore. I received too many (one would have been too many and I received more than that) messages that said, “Gotta get me some of dat,” (seriously!) or “Want to be FWB?” Who ARE these people? I was out.
But, in fairness, I did meet some nice people, even if we didn’t work out. What I really learned from dating, though, is that I’m okay. I’m pretty normal. We all want the same things. I learned what my values really are and that I want to stick to them. There are so many opportunities to question yourself, and you’ll learn that you don’t want to do that.
So, here are just a few reasons everyone should date after divorce:
- It gets you out of your house. Too much alone time isn’t good.
- It forces you into social situations, and that’s good for your mental and emotional health.
- It recreates communication abilities that may have been lost or gotten rusty.
- You are reminded that people find you attractive
- . . . and interesting
- . . . and smart
- You are taking control of a part of your life that may have been missing.
- You move from existing to living, even if you didn’t realize you had only been existing.
- You get to help people on their paths to self-discovery.
- You never know what will happen so you can start seeing life as an adventure again.
The dating world is not always a kind and friendly place. Neither is the grocery store! You still manage to create your list, fight the traffic and parking, pay the prices, and for a good reason – you want to continue to live your life. Well, your social life is an important part of your life that may have been dormant for too long.
Remember, dating is not set in concrete. Go out with one person. If you’re not a match, you will still have had an evening out, and a little more experience, so maybe that will translate to a little more knowledge of what you want and how to do things better next time.
A single date can lead to a second, and a third, and a friendship, then a relationship. But you have to put yourself out there! Do not sit at home and claim you can’t find somebody. People are everywhere! Open yourself to the idea of dating again.
That’s Life After Divorce.
Lindy is a Speaker, Columnist, Author, and Consultant. You can submit a question for her Advice Column at Ask@LindySpeaks.com or find her on Face Book and join her Single Support Group, Single Again…From Devastation to Dating.
