Life After Divorce . . . Wanting vs Needing a Relationship

By Lindy Earl

Relationships have been a bane for single people since . . . well, high school for me.  I think for some people, since they were 8.  The sad thing is that age, wisdom, experience – none of these seem to help.  The emotional challenges of wanting to be in a relationship can be overwhelming.

We can tell ourselves, and know it’s true, that we prefer to not be in a relationship versus being in a bad relationship. It’s true.  Yet, the reality of not being in a relationship can be daunting, even depressing.

So that pushes too many people into the NEED for a relationship, and the downward spiral begins.

If you want to be in a relationship, because you’re happy with your life – you have the right job, you can take care of your financial needs, you have healthy relationships with family and friends – that’s fine.  It would be the next logical step to a healthy and happy life.

If, however, you NEED to be in a relationship so that you’re not alone on weekends, and because it will complete you or it would be so much easier to have someone to split decisions and bills – that’s not fine.  It would be the worst decision even though you could rationalize it as the logical next step.

People who need to be in a relationship may simply not be good at being alone.  Do you enjoy your alone time? I love driving alone, whether it’s half an hour or ten hours.  It’s ME time! My songs. My thoughts. My aloneness.  I do not have to have music on in the car because I enjoy my own company.  I can entertain myself for hours. Another person, if it’s the right person, is a welcome addition, but is never a necessity.

Is another person a requirement for you? Can you take yourself out to dinner, or shopping, or a movie, all by yourself? It’s okay if you can’t, but if you can’t, that’s not a good reason to involve yourself in a relationship, just to have someone to do those things with you.  Learn to do them by yourself, so that someday you may want a companion, but you will never NEED a companion.

Some people get labeled as needing a relationship.  I’ve seen it.  I’ve done it.  When you know someone who flirts with every member of the opposite gender, they may be someone who needs a relationship.  When you know someone who immediately commits to a new person and plans on moving in together very quickly, you may know someone who needs to be in a relationship. If you meet people who monopolize all your time and want to spend every minute together, knowing that they have never been alone, they may need to be in a relationship.

These people are everywhere and that’s okay.  These people need to find others like them and live happily . . . if not ever after, at least for a while.

I prefer the people who are incredibly self-sufficient and happy on their own.  If a relationship comes their way they may be open to it, but it’s not on their list of things to do this week – get groceries, have the oil changed, find a Significant Other.  Not my ideal person.

When I was a freshman in College I started dating a guy.  After a few months I learned that he had been girlfriend shopping.  He decided he preferred to be in a relationship and went looking.  During this time, however, he kept himself busy with classes and pledging a fraternity.  It was in his pledging efforts that we met (I was not Greek) and love bloomed.  Did it matter that he had been looking while I hadn’t?  In fact, the reason we met was that I’d had a bad date the night before and was swearing off guys – and there he was. We have all heard those stories, haven’t we?  Sadly, swearing off the opposite gender is no guarantee you will find someone.

If you are someone who needs to be in a relationship, admit it to yourself and to others.  It’s okay.  If you’re the kind of person who is happy alone, but would not mind being in a relationship, acknowledge that you are open to whatever happens.  If you are neither of these and, like my 18 year old self, are swearing off dating, then be transparent about that as well.  It’s just better being honest with everyone, starting with ourselves.

That’s Life After Divorce.

            Lindy is a Speaker, Columnist, Author, and Consultant.

* Contact her at Ask@LindySpeaks.com to submit a question for her Advice Column.

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http://www.lindyspeaks.com/Products.html for $8.00 (half off Amazon’s price).