By Lindy Earl
People like the story of the underdog. The smaller, weaker, no-chance person who comes from the depths of despair or heartache or loneliness to beat the Goliath in their life. They overcome pain and adversity to win their battle, be it physical or emotional. It makes for a great story.
A friend told me about a couple she knows who are just absolutely head over heels in love. They met and married when they were both 65. I think their age makes it an encouraging story. How many of us will give up by the time we’re 65? Or even 60 or earlier? Sometimes it’s not our age, but the length of time since our last relationship. Maybe these two people had given up, too. They were the underdogs, but they made it – the comeback story of true love after a life time of disappointments.
My challenge is that I don’t want to be the underdog. I want every advantage, even if it means nobody likes my story. Given my druthers I would have been born a Vanderbilt. That didn’t happen. But, in a relationship, I never wanted to be the underdog who overcomes the odds and finds true love. But isn’t that what we all are the second or third time around? What are the statistics for a happily-ever-after relationship after 50 or 60 years old?
One of the reasons that stories of the underdogs make good movies is because they are the rarity. The one in a million. There are lots of stories about failed relationships, especially second and third failed relationships. The one thing every divorced person has in common with every other divorced person is that they failed. Isn’t that encouraging (sarcasm implied)?
I want to go into a relationship with every advantage – but how? Well, I guess it goes back to what we’ve been told over and over. First, take time for yourself. Do not divorce on Wednesday and make a date for Friday. It’s too soon. I’ve seen it happen over and over and it’s always too soon. That’s why the term transition person was created. The first person you date is, too often, just a transition person to get you back in the game. If that person is really great you may be doing them a disservice by dating them when you’re simply not ready.
During this time, you need to focus on yourself. Find the wonderful you who existed before a bad relationship destroyed aspects of your personality. Return to past hobbies or create new ones. Take up a new sport. Definitely get yourself healthy by eating right and exercising. This will all create self-confidence within you.
One way of finding this self-confidence is by finding a spiritual plane. Whether it’s God or nature or something else, acknowledge that the universe is a big place and find your place in it on a spiritual level.
Next, focus on others. You don’t have to feed the homeless, but a little community service, putting an extra five in the collection plate at church, or whatever you need to do to do unto others will help you be a better person.
Once you get yourself together, you’ll never be the underdog. You won’t be broken anymore and that’s good because none of us wants to enter into a relationship with a broken person. You will rock self-confidence without arrogance. Helping others without resentment. Happiness for others without bitterness. This is when you’re ready for a relationship.
If you want, you can say that you were the underdog before you overcame your own challenges, some of which were in your head, to be the better person. That’s your triumph! No, you won’t have a romance of being the underdog and finding love despite your challenges. You’ll find romance as a well-adjusted, quality person who has a lot to offer to the person who is out there, looking for someone who is living a great life.
That’s Life After Divorce.
Lindy is a Speaker, Columnist, Author, and Consultant. Contact her at LMEarl@EarlMarketing.com or find her on Face Book and join her support group: Single Again . . . From Devastation to Divorce.