Single Again… The Pretender

By Kenneth Stepp

I like long walks on the beach, not looking for a hookup, I’m looking for a deep connection, my soulmate, the last lips I’ll ever kiss. I could go on, but this is a snapshot of a few “lines and sayings” that we hear along the way.

Many have fallen for these words and became quite cynical. Almost too damaged to trust again. The problem with these words is, there are times when they are true.

How do we tell the pretenders from the sincere ones? I wish I could answer this in a way that was easy, but I cannot. Time is the answer. A sociopath can pretend better than a sincere person can explain.

Those who are in the game of being single for self serving reasons, are usually very good at gaining trust. And those almost desperate souls searching for a partner in life, are really looking for someone to believe in. It’s the perfect storm…

About 3 years ago I hosted a singles event in a town nearby. One of our group members brought a single friend. She was quick to inform us that she was in a committed relationship. Her friend pulled me aside and told me what was going on.

Her friend had never met the man she was committed to. They spoke by text and phone daily, he lived 2500 miles away was the story. And she had, over 3 months, sent him $7000.00. She asked me to speak with her privately. I did, but she was a true believer in the man telling her he loved her every night by phone.

We all want something that feels real. Many will abandon logic and common sense to believe we found it. As sad as the story was, it’s more common than most think. The girl had a story.

Her husband died and left her with a car that was paid for, a truck that she had to sell to make ends meet, and a modest home with a small amount of equity. She borrowed on the title of the car and took a second mortgage on her home. He moved on when she was tapped completely out.

People evolve. For me, I have evolved into a man my father would have approved of. I wasn’t always a “good man”. I have always been an honest one though. Perhaps that gave me an advantage in some way.

We not only evolve, we also learn what others are looking for. Without a commitment to honesty, here is where the pretender is born. By learning what women want, as a man, that great information to have. As a pretender, knowing what women want is simply a tool on his shelf.

I’ve said it many times over the last 6 years. Men have it easier as a single than women. It’s just a fact. Good men are hard to find and pretenders make it easy to think you found one. Women are wired differently than men. They are responders. Let me unwrap that.

Whether you are a Christian or not. There is wisdom in the bible. In Ephesians 5:27, I became stuck on a passage one day. “He presented her to himself flawless, blameless, and perfect. Ok, I’m rewording it to bring home a point.

There was a duel meaning here. Christ presented the church to Himself blameless, and it also depicts a husband and a wife. How did Christ see the church as perfect? He loved it unconditionally. How do we men see our wives as perfect? We love them unconditionally.

Ladies. If a man looked at you through the eyes of unconditional love and saw you as perfect? How would you respond? If this same man dedicated his entire life to serving you and you alone? If this man makes you the center of His life and the most important person alive to Him. What would your response be?

Now you see where I am going with this. A pretender is short term with short term goals. He’s after sex, money, maybe a place to crash for free. There can be many reasons you became his target. Time will expose him. Don’t allow him to use you in any way until enough time has past till you know his heart.

Real love can overcome anything. I once told one of my very best friends some sage advice. I loved her and the decades long friendship we had proved that. I loved her unconditionally and told her how I saw her often. My advice to her was simple. Find a man that sees what I see…