Single Again… Try Try Again

By Kenneth Stepp

Sooo, the relationship was awesome… Till it wasn’t. And there you are, hurt again, damaged again, and confused again. This is where you decide to never allow anyone else in “again”. I hate using the word, again so much but it’s the only word that works for me. Again, indicates doing something the same way. Perhaps that’s a mistake. 

Typically I take time to heal. I heal slowly. I write about why I need healing and what hurt me. I hope everyone has something that helps them process their pain and confusion. How many times I write about her is different every time, or the two times I’ve experienced this. One was 4 years, the other, I’m slowly writing about her less every day. That one ended about 2 ½ years ago.

How do you handle failure? Think about your last near miss. How did it end? Who ended it? Both, you, them? Do you even know why it ended? That happens a lot these days. No closure is a thing. For me, closure comes in waves. I think it’s different for everyone though. Closure comes slowly for me, logic tells me one thing, and my heart screams at my brain until it becomes just noise. 

I just had my 7 year anniversary of being single. I’ve taken a year off from dating 3 times. Processing hurt takes time for me. Once my first relationship failed, I threw myself out there immediately. It was a mistake. I packed up my hurt and hurt someone else. She didn’t deserve that. I took my first year off after that. I wanted to prepare myself so that I would not damage another innocent woman. 

Then some experience the revolving door kind of love. They’re there one minute and gone the next. And every time they come and go, they drag a piece of your heart with them. Is it real love? It’s real pain. Can love grow out of pain? I think it’s different from everyone. For me it has. Maybe because that revolving door makes sure they are truly never really gone, she’s just on the other side of that door.

Most of my friends have someone in their past that they can’t completely forget. I embrace not forgetting myself. I don’t want to forget the moments I felt warmth. I want to remember the moments I felt loved and safe. I realize that I may not have been loved and safe. But I still want to remember those feelings. They are a part of my past that I visit to feel that warmth again.

We all have memories we love. I call them my islands. I visit them when the world gets too cold for my broken heart. Some of my memories are like a sauve on the broken parts. Maybe if we look at the memories we made while getting hurt, we can heal even more. Look at what you thought you had with them, not what you weren’t. 

So here I am “again”, standing on the edge of this sea of singles, wading in the shallow end while it gets deeper as I walk in “again”. Am I ready? I don’t think there is a way to know. Unfortunately this thing we call love is a trial and error game. The water is over my head ‘again”, wish me luck… 

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