By Kenneth Stepp
Time is a funny thing. It can be confusing too. I’m alone with my thoughts more often than I should be and there are times when I think too much. I’m on a lot of social media and one is called, kik. My handle on that is kthinks2much. That is a very true statement. Today I am thinking of my past and my past mistakes.
I live a very public life and receive advice from so many people. Forget them and move on. I hear that one so much. Is it that easy? It hasn’t been for me. It is my belief that when you love someone unconditionally, you will always love them. Real love is a life sentence. I love you is deeper than I love pizza.
I’m told time heals all wounds. It hasn’t for me. There are many physicists that believe time is different for everyone, that time is simply a tool created by our brains to compartmentalize our experiences. Welcome to my mind…
Let’s look at time for others and time for me. I believe most people are living life on the beach, metaphorically of course. Each day as they go along, the wind is moving in one direction, their past was taken away by that wind and after a certain amount of time, the memories fade and life moves on. It sounds amazing to me.
In my reality, I’m in a desert. Sands are whipping through the wind. The wind, unlike the beach, is not flying by me. My wind is a whirlwind. My wind shows past and present at the same time. My wind doesn’t allow for ghosts in my past, my wind keeps my memories in front of me. My wind will never allow me to forget, move on, or heal. My wind is in a constant and always circular motion.
So how does someone who only has a present deal with life? My mind can only think of theories and conundrums. In my mind, I will get used to it, in my mind, one day it will be different, in my mind, one day I will love someone so much that I will leave the past and focus on loving her with all my heart, and have a person that will always stand with me forever. In my mind, that will happen. In reality, it is just a theory, just a hope, just a dream.
My dream is that my whirlwind will one day blow in linear lines. My goal is to change the course of the wind that guides my life and my thoughts. My search has always been to find her, my Her. The one I would spend the rest of my life with. My last kiss, my last and most important thought will be of her. How do I accomplish that in a whirlwind? Are my last two problems wind and time?
Being single, for me, has been confusing and at times, nightmarish. I’m not trying to be hyperbolic, just trying to convey my feelings to you. Society has changed and I am a dinosaur. I tell people all the time, I am the nearest thing to a Boy Scout that you will meet in the singles community. I’ve been laughed at for being as naive as I am. I’m educated and smart and can figure things out. I suppose that in matters of the heart, I don’t want to think as much as I want to feel.
I’ve met some amazing people along the way and most have their own story or stories about the journey we all share. Many have had it much harder than I have. I believe being single is harder for girls than guys. Thankfully they are better at surviving than we are.
Safe travels if you’re swim in this sea of singleness. Take breaks on the beach to get your bearings righted. It’s the only way to stay sane. I’m going to sit and type till I know where I am. Typing and waiting on the wind to change. Wish me luck…