Single Again… The Paramore, My Secret

By Kenneth Stepp

Paramore: A lover, a secret lover. Have you ever had one? Many things go on behind the scenes of what looks like a normal family or couple. I’ve seen many things that surprised me since becoming single.

I decided to write about a paramore because I wondered about the super secret lover. The lover who didn’t know they were being loved. Stay with me, I believe this will make sense in the next few paragraphs.

Have you ever loved someone from a distance? In other words, loved them but they can never be your lover or yours at all? I have, it’s not something I ever thought about when I became single again. Like so many things this journey has given me, this was simply one more surprise I didn’t ask for.  

Being single after 24 years with my wife has been the craziest ride of my life. So many unknowns, so many surprises, and so many wonderful people, faking their way through life. It’s as if they wake up and think, today I will present myself as a person that has it all together.

Let me go on the record right now and state, if I ever act like I have it all together, remember, it is an act. I’m scattered, confused, and chasing someone who probably doesn’t exist. That is not a picture of someone that has life completely figured out at all. I believe this is where most of us are today.

What about a secret love? Is it possible to love someone unconditionally and them not know it? Can something so intense as real love exist without everyone knowing it? Of course it can. Have you ever had a long distant crush? I have. They can be quite intense, but because of distance, no one back home sees a thing.

Hidden feelings, secret love, and living a life behind the walls we build around our heart. These are real things. I do it, I know I’m not the only one. We all have feelings and there are times when those feelings, “run amok”. Feelings aren’t love. Love is a combination of things. Trust, loyalty, and commitment are just a few of these.

I met a woman once at an event for singles I hosted. She met a guy online and she’s sent him over $7000.00 already. I tried to help her understand he was a scammer, it was obvious. But he had tapped into her heart strings, and she knew she was in love. I would love to know what happened after that, but to this date, we have not spoken since, that was over 3 years ago.

I do love… I am “in” love. Many of us are. For me, it is a past failure. Unfortunately, there are no do-overs where love is concerned. It doesn’t matter that I’m not the same man I was back then. What matters is reality and my ability to move on and continue my search. Reluctantly, I move forward. Unable to relive the past, my past love becomes my secret love. My paramore. My forever secret.

My new love is in my future, I know her, I know her traits, her integrity, and her passions already. I also know this. She will accept the mess I have become, she will understand that we have all fought on this battlefield and were wounded, that we all have past loves, past hurts, and pasts. Acceptance may be the most powerful thing there is.

I will find you, I already love everything about you, I love you… I can’t wait to look into your eyes and tell you that.

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