Single Again… Since I Lost You

By Kenneth Stepp

In the first 18 years of my marriage, my wins were many. My wins stacked up into high mountains. In 2008, my losses decided to step up the pace and have a hold my beer moment. In 2013, the biggest loss that year was my marriage. The losses since then are so many that I can’t list them all, nor would I want that list written down for me to read. 

This article is not about my ex wife though. I’ve loved since I became single. I’ve also lost that love. It’s amazing how loving and losing can change you. There are days when I don’t even think about these losses, then there are the days when I can’t breathe because the memories come in waves so powerful that it takes everything out of me.

Have you ever loved someone so much that just being with them creates a world so amazing that you long to be with them so you can experience that again? It’s intoxicating. You embrace and the space inside your arms feels like another universe. It’s the most incredible feeling I’ve ever had. 

Living inside that love is an amazing thing to live through. Once lost, you search for it again. It sets a standard for what you want in your life, it also grows your capacity to love. Once you’ve had something so powerful, so passionate, you make it your quest to be in that place again. I am compelled. 

For those who have never had this kind of passion, you may not understand this. For those who have, you know what I’m saying is true. Her touch set me on fire, her voice, her caress. Her head lying on my chest in the dark just talking about the future. So many memories have these elements. They are still real to me. They probably always will be. 

I write about her all the time, my her. I can’t wait for her to walk into that electric cloud with me. Perhaps she’s never experienced this before, While I’m excited about being in that place again, I’m even more excited about showing her this world. Most of the girls I meet have met men who had no interest in anything but themselves. I can’t wait for her to know what it’s like to be the center of a mans world.

Do I know her? Have we met? Are we trying to meet? Love is always uncharted waters. Love is always a power within itself. It needs nothing to exist. It doesn’t even require life. I have a dear friend who lost her husband in 2012. She loved this man unconditionally. He was the love of her life. You see, that love is as alive as ever. The romantic in me believes he still loves her from another place. 

What is love? Not, I love pizza love. I’m talking about real love, love knowing love, love that is based on nothing but love. Unconditional love is hard to find. Most never find it. That may be the saddest thing I’ve ever written. Everyone searches and only a few experience it. 

I met a girl on a dating site about 5 years ago. I remember our first and last meeting. We met for lunch in Atlanta. She asked me what happened in my marriage. Honestly, my wife was a great person. I still believe that. Her history was that she was married again 4 years prior. She said she loved him but he got very sick towards the end of their marriage and she “had” to leave. Then she said, I didn’t sign up for that. Maybe that was the saddest statement I’ve heard.

This singles journey is full of so many different types of people. I often say it’s a dance floor with landmines everywhere. You see, dance floors are fun. Landmines are painful. Keep your eyes open.