By Kenneth Stepp
A long time ago I had several favorite TV shows. One of my favorites was called “Get Smart”. It was about a super secret spy agency and most of all their number one agent, Maxwell Smart, agent 86. His sidekick, Agent 99 just called him Max. The bad guy is getting away, Max hops in his Sunbeam sports car and gives chase. Helmet on, screeching tires and blinding speed. Camera turns away, we hear a crash, and Max’s car is half way through a brick wall. Debris everywhere, helmet askew, chunks of bricks falling from his shoulder, he looks into the camera and simply holds up two fingers close together and states, “missed it by that much”. And that ladies and gentlemen is an accurate picture of my love life. Or what I laughingly call my love life.
I’ve been out here over five years now, I have met so many amazing women. They have been beat up, lied to, cheated on, abused, and much more. Yet they still muster a smile and struggle daily for a life that seems normal to them. I suppose we all do. For years we are in a marriage that feels safe, secure, and normal. Then one day we’re out here swimming in shark infested waters with a lot of other well meaning people wondering what happened. Most of us believe normal is still out there. I do, Ind for me at least, normal is me doing life with my partner in crime. My “Her”. I know a lot about her already. She is smart, strong, and wants to be loved. She will lay next to me at night, lights off, head on my chest, and have long deep conversations with me, she loves the way she feels when surrounded by art, she is my adventurer. At a moments notice she’ll hop in my truck with me and go sightseeing, or have a picnic, she will love the way I love her. Knowing I’m a safe place for her she will not seek another. Who is she? I feel I will know her when we kiss the first time. Probably just the hopeless romantic in me, wishful thinking or emotional arrogance. If that’s a real thing.
We all have struggles. Me? I over trust. When someone tells me I matter to them, I believe them. When they say they love me, I believe them. When the say they want us to have a life together, I believe them. But in this temporary new world I have entered into, none of these were ever true. Just sweet words whispered at an intimate time. I think there were times when those uttering these words were sincere. I have told three women I loved them. I still love all three, always will. Love isn’t just words, love happens when our hearts completely surrender to another heart. Distance, time, and space have no power over love. Love is it’s own power, it needs nothing from anyone to exist. It’s why I have only told three women I love them. Those words are sacred to me, I have experienced some who throw those words around like they will win a prize for it. That saddens me and confuses many of us.
Regret. I have to touch on this for a moment. I met someone recently who is so interesting, upon getting to know her I know she was most likely an amazing wife. As a man with plenty of regrets that I won’t get into at the moment, I can tell you, the man who held her attention for so many years has regrets. He has to. There is a vast difference between a woman who partners in life with you and a woman who moves in on you as a means to end her current miserable life. Therein is the obvious. These girls I have met, for the most part, were that first woman, a real mate, a partner. Willing to do whatever it took for the marriage, family, and their life with their man. Behind the scene there are many regrets unspoken. These were my thoughts today. My hope is we all find that one person who appreciates us. Warts and all.