Single Again… Life Without You

By Kenneth Stepp

What a sad title. Life without you. To some, those are simply words on a screen. To others, these words have a name attached, a story, loss, and pain. There are those who lost the love of their life to death, others, through separation. Either way, pain follows.

In a world of full of self centered people, I feel alone at times, because I get attached. When I get to know someone and find qualities I admire, I want to have them in my orbit forever. That doesn’t always work out though. These can be friendships or something deeper. Losing one of these people leaves a void. 

In my life I have loved someone I shared no DNA with 3 times. Three amazing human beings. Their memories haunt me at times. What happened? Regrets, and the dream of a do-over. Those are just dreams though. The kind of do-overs I dream of are just fantasies that never actually work. Nice thoughts though. 

Have you ever been in a bad car wreck? For some time after the wreck we have pictures and even replays in our mind about the accident. I have those when I lose someone important to me. I remember every word, thought, and action that led up to my life without her. If there is a way to turn those thoughts off that doesn’t include wine, I’d love to hear about it.

Life without that depth of love is like a movie set. It looks real enough on TV, but pull the camera back enough and you can see it isn’t real at all. Most days, I feel my life is that way. Simply a stage I wake up to every morning. I wake up, walk out to my den and go to work. There are days when I think I even hear the audience laughing.

There is a part of me that still has hope. I hope there is a future that looks real, I hope there is someone still capable of unconditional love, I hope my damage still allows me to love without these high walls around my heart. The reality is, with each passing year I drift further out to sea. And the further I get, the further I am from her. 

Me without you looks different than it did almost 7 years ago when I first became single. I’ve learned to cook, I’ve learned to survive, and I’m learning to enjoy my own company more. While these are positive steps, the clock is ticking. With each year that passes, I age, my body is another year older, my walls are higher, and my mind is not always my friend.

When I first became single, I was younger, more hopeful, even excited, and more than anything, I was so naive. Today I am mostly confused about how I got here, or moreover, how I’ve stayed here. Every day seems like Groundhog day. I wake, work, write, and go back to bed. Most days I hop in the truck and ride, but even that becomes routine. 

Life without you has become an almost, dystopian life of suffering and injustice. I have always been a pretty good human and feel I am a better one with each passing year. I fight the urge of thinking I don’t deserve this life I find myself living. But here I am, on my stage, sitting on my sofa in my den, writing and complaining. I wake up every morning, hopeful that I will feel something I did not feel yesterday. Geez, time to get out and ride. Perhaps the mountains will sing me to a happier place today.

My friends, if you are single for whatever reason, you lost something you valued most in your past, if you are single, you are probably guarded now. Loss does that. Mostly, if you are single and can relate to anything I just wrote, remember those around you are just like you. Be kind. Always be kind…