By Kenneth Stepp
What’s in a name? What if our name described who we are, like Native Americans? Hello, my name is, Just Playing Games, or, I Can Be a Great Fake, or, Liar, cheater, actually married, just here for me, etc, etc. In the world of singles, we see so many of the bad ones, will we recognize a good one when they come along? So many questions.
Seeing people for who they are was much easier back in the day. Seeing past who they want us to think they are has become an art form. One that few ever master. This is where I begin to understand why many of my friends stop dating for many months at a time. I get it. In the 7 years I’ve been single, I paused for a full year, 3 times.
The changes I’ve noticed comparing dating before I was married to today are many. I struggle to find the good changes. But if meeting people easier is a good thing, I’ll go with that. Dating felt more honest back then. I guess most things were. When I meet someone today I feel we are vying for position so we can look for who we really are.
Is dating a game? It can feel that way. She didn’t text me this morning, he hasn’t messaged me today. These are the thoughts of someone trying to build a relationship of some kind. The rules are invisible. They simply don’t exist anymore. They use to. Or maybe it was just me imagining them. At any rate, they’re gone today.
I think the answer is to internalize them. Once you do, try to find someone with similar rules buried deep in their heart. In the bible they call this being equally yoked. It’s a basic truth. So how is this accomplished? First, if you read this and consider my advice, remember, I’ve failed 100% of the time. So my advice is dubious at best. The old, grain of salt thing.
My idea is to decide who you are before you even think about finding a mate. Honest no matter what or honest unless dishonesty serves you better at the moment? Decide first. Faithful no matter what or until something shiny distracts you? Decide first. Build a relationship or casually use a relationship. Again, decide first.
Then there is your station in life. Are you financially secure and want someone in the same place? Do you have your PHD and require an educated partner? Race, religion, political leanings, and many more. These are things you should decide before searching for your mate. If not, you may fall in love with someone who is not a long term match. I did, it’s painful.
In the end, if you are single, most likely, you are also lonely. I long for the day when I’m doing day to day life with my girl. I speak with people all the time who say they have a perfect life alone. I want to believe them. On the outside they may seem perfect. Humans were created to be partners, most of them I think. I won’t pretend I’m happy alone. I have my happy times. But snuggling up to the pillow beside me at night isn’t the same.
As we are all travelling these roads together, be nice. I think being as gentle as we can with one another is a noble thing to do. Everyone you meet has been hurt. Some hurts are deeper than others. Being kind just seems like the right thing to do.