Single Again… Aging Alone

By Kenneth Stepp

I’m getting older… Every day we are all older. Those are facts that will not change. I’ve lived a blessed life. I have never been sick a day of it. I’ve just always been super healthy. Flash forward to the present. I’ve been sick for 2 months, I feel awful, and my attitude is going in the wrong direction. To make matters worse, I’m doing this alone. 

When I became single 7 years ago, it never entered my mind life would ever look this way. I think a lot of us in the singledom experience this. The aloneness isn’t a problem most days. Today it feels different. Today the aloneness is deep and dark. Today I am more alone than ever.

My mind takes me back to a time when I loved my alone time, it gave me a chance to do the things I enjoy that is hard to do around others. Read, study, catch up on news, etc. Well, I’m caught up, I’m studied up, and I’m tired of reading. Alone has changed for me. 

Finding myself by myself at this age is a daily grind. I invested in many lives along the way, yet have no one around. Life has a way of humbling us far beyond what we believe it ever would. After my divorce, there was a sense of freedom once I got my footing. I feel anything but free today. 

My being sick probably has a lot to do with what I’m writing. Usually I go out every day, I work from my den, so I have freedom. I normally hop in my truck mid day and head for an old historic town, the mountains, or maybe a lake. My motivation to get off this sofa is gone right now. But I have a favor to do for a friend so I will make it happen.

My plan was to grow old with the love of my life. Don’t get me wrong. I still hold that hope. I have a firm grasp on that goal. But there are days when I feel that firm grasp is trying to hold onto mist. Life will continue moving forward, I won’t stay sick, I won’t be alone forever, and my attitude will go back to happy again. But today is my day to dwell on how I am aging alone. 

This morning I came across an old photo of me, I had just finished working out and was standing in front of my dojo. I was Superman back then. I could run forever, nothing made me tired, and I felt like a machine. Strong and an unending supply of energy. Today I’m trying to find the energy to take a shower and go out. 

I know this reads more like a rant than any kind of wisdom at all. And perhaps it is a rant. Being alone is something all of us singles take part in. Some find ways of staying busy, I normally do too. But when you feel bad physically, it’s different. I guess that’s part of the getting old thing I’ve heard so much about.

Time to think happy thoughts, time to shower and go trucking. My smile is out there somewhere and I’m going to go recapture it. To my single again friends, be kind to one another. We’re all just trying to figure out a life we never expected to be living.