By Kenneth Stepp
A good man… What do these words mean to you? I’m a writer, I have a large readership, most are single women. These facts are fair I suppose. Seldom does a day go by that one of my readers ask me, where are all the good men? I believe we all have good in us. Having a backbone and fighting the urge to allow the world to change us, in my opinion, is the difference between a bad guy and a good guy.
When I became single again, after 24 years with one woman, I found being single, dating, and those who participate in them, had changed drastically. I found that people valued others less, they were always looking for who is next, what experience is next, and newer unexplored things to do. They, for the most part, had a hard time focusing on just one person at a time. Many singles, simply wanted sex, someone to date, or someone that would give them attention. While none of these are wrong, none were right at certain times either.
I remember a time when I wanted a partner for life. I still do. But with all the options, distractions, and the ease of which one can meet new people, how does a person stay focused on just one person? I think in most cases, they do not. The reasons vary, or I think they do. If a man is constantly bombarded with attention from other women, or a woman is chased by several elegible men, , they can get distracted and do, too often. How do they stay focused? If they have found a potential mate that deserves their focus, they better stand strong. Making honesty my default has worked for me in the past.
Women can tell if a man is a good man, in many cases. And if they see one, they will get in touch with him. Over a year ago, my roommate, Lori, said it best, when I asked her why she was going out with a guy she didn’t like very well. Her answer, well, there’s slim pickins out there. First I was appalled, then I remembered all the horrific stories I’d heard and it hit me, wow, there really is. Honesty will win the day and give anyone a leg up on trying to find forever.
If I find someone with forever potential, I have a list of things I do. First, I’m always honest, always a gentleman, always kind, and always transparent. It sounds cliche’, but it’s important. If a woman shows interest and I am seeing someone exclusively, I tell them that. If not, I am not being completely honest. I love meeting new people, I love making new friends. But meeting new people is not my ultimate goal. Finding forever is.
I talk about myself here, not to lift me up, but to make my point. I know what goes on in my own head, I know what it took to point me in the right direction. I wasn’t always like this. Once becoming single, I had about a year without direction. If you are a girl looking for a good man, he may have been the guy who hurt you in the past. He may now be that good man. We all make mistakes along the way. Mistakes are not a gender thing, they are a human thing.
I’ve been single for 6 very long years. I’ve heard things about myself that go completely against my character. I live a very public life, that has a lot to do with this I believe. Maybe some of the guys you met along the way are like me, rumors are just gossip and usually made up by someone with an agenda. Get to know a person, listen, have long conversations, share deep thoughts, goals, and memories. You might just find the person you have been searching for inside someone you almost overlooked. Dating is hard these days, anyone that thinks differently is living in a different universe that I am.
So, what’s next for you? I hope everyone does a few things that are more positive. Slow down a little, understand the person in front of you has as much value as you, they deserve respect and to be known, they are or were, someone’s world and loved greatly. See them through the filter of equality, grace, and kindness. You are just two people with goals, see if they match. And last but not least, be nice, always be nice…
“My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing beauty of life once more. It’s happened before, it will happen again, I’m sure. When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive–I’ll find love again.”
― Paulo Coelho