By Lindy Earl
I want to give up. I’m tired. I’m tired of sleeping alone. I’m tired of waking up alone. I miss cuddling and snuggling. I’m tired of making every decision. I’m tired of being the only person to carry out every single chore – there are too many of them! It’s too much. I wasn’t ready for this.
I wasn’t raised for this. I was taught that if you do everything right, and are a good wife and good mom, that everything would be okay. But it’s not. I tried to be a good wife. I cooked and cleaned. I was supportive. I asked my husband about his day. I truly cared. I was a good listener. I took on extra responsibilities to relieve him of some of the pressure of being the breadwinner.
I was a home-room mom. I stayed up late sewing Halloween costumes. I scrimped and saved to give everyone a good Christmas. It was before pinterest, or even the internet, so I waded through magazines and cookbooks to find nutritious meals that everyone in my family would eat. I was a chauffer and a nurse and a psychologist to my family. I tried.
I’m not ready for this. I need a break. There is so much to be done every day, day after day. If I ever catch up, I just find myself behind the next morning. I rise early. I work hard. I have a hundred different people pulling at me every day. My boss, coworkers, family members, friends, kids’ teachers, organizations, charities. Everyone wants something from me. I have nothing left to give.
I need a break. I need someone to hold me and cuddle me and tell me it’s going to be okay. I need to hear a promise, a promise that will be fulfilled, not empty words. I need to hear that I’m going to be okay. That life is going to be okay.
I need to be told that I’m stronger than this . . . whatever this is. This is my life. How did I get here? It’s not what I want, yet here I am. I want to give up. I don’t want to be stronger than this. I want to curl up into a ball and cry. I want to tell people, even as I want to hear them say that it will be okay, that they are wrong. It won’t be okay. It can’t be okay. This isn’t right. I’m tired.
But . . . I won’t give up, because I can’t. I don’t have that option, that luxury. I will keep going because that’s what I do. I will continue to laugh at bad jokes, because that’s polite. I will smile through my pain, and hope nobody sees the truth behind the smile. I will hide the tears.
I will persevere. I will learn. I will grow. But, somedays, I still want to give up.
That’s Life After Divorce.
Lindy is a Speaker, Columnist, Author, and Consultant. Contact her at LMEarl@EarlMarketing.com or find and like her page on Face Book, and join her FB support group, Single Again: From Devastation to Dating.