By Lindy Earl
Due to life’s busyness, such as work, holidays, and even a death in the family, I have not been on a first date recently. But, in the post-divorce dating world, perseverance is key, so I got back on the bike.
We did everything right to start. We viewed each other’s profiles and commented on them appropriately in our messages. We then exchanged numbers and texted and talked a few times. Then he asked me out for a drink. I’m not much of a bar person, but life is an adventure after a divorce, right?
We had a lovely conversation – lots of laughter. I’m a good listener so he got to talk. It was a fun evening. When the bill came I did the obligatory check dance. Yes, ladies, men appreciate it when we reach for the check or at least offer to pay our share. He declined, as he should have since he asked me out – in my opinion. He did state how much he appreciated my offer and I shared that I appreciated his refusing me.
Yes, one time I did the check dance and the guy let me have it. I didn’t mind at all, but it did drop him a few points in my mind, just as a woman offering to pay elevates her a few points in mens’ minds.
So as we are waiting for the server to process the check, my date mentions that, while he appreciated my offer, he was happy to buy my glass of wine. Then he shared that in future, he believes dates should be dutch. Why, he asked, should a man be expected to pay for a women’s meals? Then he shared that he had invited a woman out for drinks and she ordered a meal, saying she would pay for it but didn’t, and he really didn’t appreciate that! Okay. I’m sorry?
Now I think this man’s communication is excellent. He boldly put forth any future expectations about paying. Well done. Still, I have to wonder.
I’m not of the millennial age. I’m old-school where I enjoy having a man open doors for me and hold my coat. What a lost art! Yes, gentleman, help a lady into a coat. It’s gallant and chivalrous and just darn sexy.
So I asked a few male friends this morning what they thought of how last night’s date ended. Specifically, I texted: My date last night was enjoyable, until the end . . . and told the story. Then added: I’m not offended. Good for him for putting this out there. But . . . am I missing something?
The first response was, “Yes, Sweetie. You’re missing a gentleman. You’re missing a man who was raised right. You’re missing a man who care about you. I can’t imagine being that way.” Followed by, “Know your worth. Never settle for less than you deserve.”
Of course, I loved it. This is a real man, and I mean that as a double entente. First, gentlemen still exist, and yes, this is a REAL man, not a metrosexual post feminism shadow of a man. This is the man women want to find!
The second response was far less encouraging: “You live in the last century. That is when you were dating then married. The world is changing… Women used to be special but not so much anymore.” Then he talked about himself and how women drive him crazy. He ended with, “This may sound crude to you, it’s better getting a hooker. Costs less and you get what you want and don’t have all the baggage.”
This is NOT the man ladies want to find. Still, I find it interesting to see the contrast of responses of two men who are both single, around the same age (60-ish), and looking for a partner.
The third response was short and to the point, “Not very gentlemanly.” He either did not have much time or the topic didn’t interest him.
The next evening I happened to have a girls night and the previous night’s date was mentioned, including the last conversation. One woman, who is rarely asked out, immediately responded, “Oh no. He’s gone!” It was the comment of a widowed friend that I found interesting: “He’s setting parameters in such a way as to make any future relationship fail through strict guidelines.” I still say that I appreciate his candor in stating his expectations so openly.
The remaining question is, what to do next time? Will there be a second date? If so, I guess it would be Dutch, or I would offer to pay. I dislike Dutch as I feel it lacks intimacy, and isn’t that the point of dating, to get closer to someone?
That’s Life After Divorce.
Lindy is a Speaker, Columnist, Author, and Consultant. Contact her at Lindy@LindySpeaks.com or find her on Face Book.