Finding Love And Deal Breakers

By Kenneth Stepp

The quest for love can be fun, exciting, but also confusing and hurtful. A mixed bag at best. Do you have your list? You know, the list of traits your forever love will have. Mine was pretty long when I began, I’ve trimmed it down quite a bit as time went by. Smart because I love deep conversations, strong because it takes a strong person to make it in a relationship with all the distractions we have these days, a kind heart, because I have one and that is something both must be in sync on. That was my list until recently. They say when you lose someone, you gain knowledge. After much discovery, thought, and reliving the pain of failure. Lesson learned…

Falling in love isn’t something I have done much of in my life. The few times I have, time tested my love and found it to be forever. Real love is a life sentence. If the love was real, you can’t say, well, I loved them. Love is never past tense. Love is forever. So be careful who you expose your heart to. If they are not ready for love, if they aren’t endowed with the traits you require in a life partner. Walk away before you are smitten. Make sure they are capable of being the partner you are searching for. It takes so much to match with someone. And so little to muddy the relational waters and bring the relationship to an end.

So my list has grown. I’m a giver. When I am in a relationship with someone, they know they are my #1 priority, she won’t have to guess where my heart is. She knows she is the center of my world, she knows my focus is on her and her alone. If I love her, I want to be that safe person in her life. If her friends coworkers or even family turn against her, she knows I am there standing beside her no matter what. This is why It’s safe to surrender the #1 spot to me. Because if I love her, truly love her, she becomes more important than me to me. And my love is her love, so I will love her family, and anyone she loves. She isn’t really surrendering that #1 position as much as expanding it. Those she loves are now loved twice as much. Those she loves and the things she loves, are now better than they were before.

Being in love alone or with someone who claims to love you but shows almost nothing, is destructive to you on several levels. It takes your peace, it will leave you in a constant state of confusion. And most of all, it will wreck you emotional being. And ego is thought to be a bad thing these days, but we all have one and we all need a healthy ego. I know when I was in a relationship where I only mattered in word and not deed. My ego became quite unhealthy. I’m only now learning how bad it was. Hindsight didn’t help. It was only when I watched how she handled “us” afterwards that I really got the complete view of how low my value was. But we learn as we move in and out of these relationships. I now have another important piece of my puzzle. And yes, we all have a puzzle. So the next time you feel crushed by a failed relationship, remember… The knowledge learned will mean more in the long run than the relationship ever could have.

“Remember: A deal breaker is only a deal breaker if it is symptomatic of other destructive relationship dynamics.”

― Bethany Marshall

Deal breakers are there for a reason. They are usually learned by going through something unpleasant. But they are learned for a reason. I want to remind you that we are all incomplete in some way. It’s why we are compelled to be on this journey. We are all being prepared for that flawed, bruised, imperfect person that we will fall harder than ever for. Preparation is training. And training is painful. Just know you are in a stage of becoming something beautiful for someone you will see tremendous beauty in. And that means something. What it means is up to you to discover.

“the truth about forever is that it is happening right now”

― Sarah Dessen