By Kenneth Stepp
My journey to find my forever love began four years and ten months ago, give or take a few days. Everyone I meet can tell you about how long they have been swimming in these waters. Or should I say, dog peddling? You see, not everyone has learned to swim. Not everyone has learned to navigate this sea of single humanity. Some, like me, really seem to always be a novice. I meet people all the time who are so much better at this than I ever would dream of being. When I think of being single, even for a few moments. My thoughts drift to her. My Her. I drift off almost in a trance or a dream. I can almost see her while drifting. I know so much about her. I just cannot know who she is yet. My dreams about her are comforting. Knowing she exists. It’s only when reality hits that I realize she may not be real. Once there, I long to drift once more… She is strong yet vulnerable, smart but questions fill her mind, and she loves, how she can love is amazing.
“You don’t love someone because they’re a dream of perfection. You love them because of the way they meet their challenges, how they struggle to overcome. You love them because together, you bring out the best in each other.”
― Lani Wendt Young
My drifts or dreams, call them what you will. They are islands in my days. When being alone brings the walls in too close to me. I drift towards her. I sometimes think maybe she does the same thing. Her dreams of a knight in shining armor. My dreams of rescuing my damsel from the aloneness that has us all captured. Does she dream of me? A man with awkward emotions and an eclectic array of educations under his belt? Probably not. In my drifts I am more than I am in real life. I suppose we all are. But at the core, I am that man. And at hers, she is that girl. I sometimes wonder how we will meet, what will we say, and how will we feel when our eyes meet. Will we know? Or will we part and think. What was that? I feel but am not sure what it is? We are all carbon beings. Like coal, when under pressure, we become diamonds. That much pressure damages us, leaves scars and bruises where beauty once was. But it turns our hearts into beauty like diamonds. I’ll know her. To me, she will be flawless, but with a past.
“She’s magic. A single flower blooming in an endless desert.” (edited)
― Anne Bishop
I’ve made some amazing friends along the way. I’ve had some very near misses and taken my lumps like everyone else. I’ve almost drown in this sea of lonely humanity over the past years. I have loved and lost, I have won some and lost some. I’ve seen life at it’s fullest and seen more dreams die than I care to remember. There are many I did not know five years ago that mean more to me than I mean to me. I have learned what love is and what love is not. Today, I am a better person, a better human because of this journey. I have more passion, compassion, and zest for life. I love far more and judge far less. Grace is my default when meeting someone damaged along the way. We are all here doing life together. My dreams are not your dreams. My dreams need no explanation. My dreams are where I go to see her. For now. My dreams are where I go to find love. My dreams are my room where I test my capacity to love. My forever resides there. In waiting while I search for her. Although I get tired. I have that one place to go where I can be rejuvenated. Where it all seems worth it. One day my dream will be real life. One day I will wake up and see her there. One day… One day soon….
“You’re exquisite. You’re transcendent. And you are mine.”
― A.G. Howard